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~Words of the Wise Elis~

I'm a member of a Yahoo Group Click Here that supports people with depression & anxiety, which I, like so many, suffer from. I suggest, if in need, you to join this wonderful group because it can be so insightful. During my reading of posts, I've come across, thanks to a good friend, words from a former member named Elis. I want to make sure she has credit for anything I'm about to paraphrase & I will quote any specifics that I use. These are words that can be so helpful to those out there looking/seeking for answers & help, including me. You should be able to search for Elis in the search engine of the group posts & her words will come up. Here goes:

In a message, she goes into talking about isolation. I'm an isolator, so much of what she says helps me. Elis says that we don't have to change ourselves. We don't have to go to the extreme of being a party animal. Instead, we can find ways to stop from being so isolated by finding outlets that fit us. Such as meeting someone at a coffee shop for instance. For me, though, this is not a good instance for we do not have a coffee shop nor do I have anyone to meet at one, but for those out there that do, it's a good point. For me, maybe something else she offers will work. I am going to quote Elis here about challenging ourselves for she is a wiser woman than I & it's just too damn good to put into my own words:

"An excellent psychotherapist gave me this advice which I'm passing on
to you:
Every day, do one thing which is mildly challenging but not
overwhelming or scary. On a scale from 1 (easy) to 10 (terrifying), it should be
something which is a 5.

On some days, 5 may mean opening the front door of your home and
standing outside that door for a minute. On a bad day, it may be just looking
out of the window without opening it. On a better day, it may be going for a
short walk on a quiet road.

This stretches your ability. Gradually, you'll be able to do more and
more, although there will always be good days and bad days. The method
helped me a lot to overcome my anxiety."~Elis

I believe this to be good advice & especially the part about even if it's just opening the door & walking outside. That is a HUGE challenge for me sometimes. I sometimes don't even want to go to the mailbox for various reasons. No energy, don't want to be seen by neighbors, paranoid, etc. I hope by trying out Elis's techniques that maybe I can do more & more at a time. Hope this point helps out you as well.

She goes into talking about wanting to kill yourself & how you just don't have the energy to do so. I've been there many times & at the moment I'm fairly stable, but even now I have that want or wish not to live. It's not a good feeling & she goes into talking about the chemical imbalances in our brains. I honestly do believe I have an imbalance & I'm sure that majority of you reading this & being able to relate do, too. Elis states:

"When you think about killing yourself, consider this: is it worth
killing yourself over a feeling that's caused by a temporary chemical
imbalance in the brain?"~Elis

I find this as being a good point because it takes some of the blame that we place upon ourselves off or ourselves. It's not ALL our fault. We do have a brain problem that we often have no control over. Yes, we can exercise more, eat right, take our medications, try to keep a positive outlook on life, but still there's that imbalance in some of us. Sometimes that imbalance keeps us from achieving what we would like to or feeling the way we would like about ourselves & our lives.

Elis talks about rumination. Something I really haven't thought about or really know much about. She says during her recovery, which wasn't a brief one by no means, she had setbacks caused by rumination. Rumination is believed to be caused by ourselves. Elis says:

"Now that I know about it, I can stop the rumination. (It's not easy to
stop it - the brain wants to go over the same stuff over and over - but at least
I know what's happening, and I can look for ways to distract myself). This
has helped."~Elis

Now, this one is a hard one for me & mostly at night when I'm lying in bed trying to go to sleep. My brain wants to repeat & repeat & repeat. During the day, I often can distract myself by playing games on my phone or talking to my son's girlfriend or playing with the Grandkids, but at night, the evil sets in for me. I lay in bed for hours trying, probably too hard, to go to sleep. All the events of the day run through my mind, things I've done in my past run through, things I need to do, things, things, things, things, things, & more things! Worries, such as someone breaking into my home while I'm vulnerable & asleep, & many other worries. So, this part is hard for me & having Bipolar II disorder makes this part tougher. I have learned to control it to some degree, but I'm by far from perfecting it.

Elis talks about ways to improve focus & concentration. Something I need desperately. She says:

"Do you know Luminosity? These are online games, designed to increase
logic, concentration, memory and so, and also to prevent Alzheimers etc.
Five of their games are available to play for free, including one
called 'Migration' ..."~Elis

This is new to me & something I have not checked out yet, but I will be looking into it & hope all of you will, too. She mentions if nothing else try just playing 5 minutes at a time. I know sometimes concentration is so very hard when depressed. I'm a believer in some of what she says here:

"Do you like aromatherapy and essential oils? Several essential oils
have focus- and concentration- enhancing qualities. Just sprinkle the oil in the
room, or evaporate it in a burner, or wear it as a perfume. Rosemary is
especially good. I find it mildly helpful (it doesn't make a big difference, but it's a
bit useful) and it's also a mild anti-depressant.

Crystals. Some people are sensitive to crystals, others aren't. (I
am). Hematite is the stone to use, and possibly citrine. You can buy them cheaply as
'tumble stones'. Just hold the stone in your hand. Wearing a stone as a
pendant is more practical, as long as it touches the skin."~Elis

Aromatherapy helps me I know. I often light incense. As long as it's a fragrance I like, it's soothing to me. I also melt wax. I have a Scentsy & then just one of the Wal-mart brand ones. Does just as good. Sorry Scentsy, but I find even the scents work as well & are much cheaper. Maybe it's just me.

Now, crystals...I've tried those, too. I did not notice anything. I tried quartz & I cleansed the quartz on more than one occasion & let it set out in the full moon over night. I wore it & then after not noticing anything, I just placed it beside my bed. I have not tried Hematite. Once again, something Elis has mentioned for me to look into. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it won't. Anything at this point is worth a try. What do I have to lose? My life is often on the line in my brain so doing anything to improve is better than doing nothing.

Being able to exercise is such a hard thing. I know my doctor tells me & tells me, exercise will make you feel better. Well lady, getting out of bed is impossible much of the time & even when I do, getting off the recliner or couch is impossible. Elis recommends a book, once again something for me to look into & for you if you'd like, it is "Get Fit in Bed: Tone Your Body and Calm Your Mind from the Comfort of Your Bed" by Ted Kavanau and Genie Tartell. Once again, point being, anything is better than doing nothing! I often suffer from doing the nothing!

Elis gives the advice:

"...Regarding the 'hanging in there', just take it one hour at a time. One
minute at a time, if things are really bad. It will get better. There's light at
the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it. I promise. (I had severe
depression, and I'm much better now)."~Elise

Oh, she gives me hope & I don't even know her. I wasn't a member when she was a member & yet her words are bringing me some peace to know that someone made it out of the depths of despair. I'm certain that people with our problems probably never make it out completely. I mean, everyone in this world has issues of some sorts to deal with. We all have our demons if you will. Hope to recover from a deep dark depression though is so great! I hope I can one day, too, say I'm much better now.

Elis talks about laughter helping with depression & I agree. I read once to just start laughing over anything or nothing at all. Laugh like mad. I need to remind myself to do this. Elis has now reminded me to. I do laugh at my Grandson everyday. I laugh a lot more in my life today than ever & that's a big step in the right direction. Sometimes, though, it's just good to laugh for no reason or to find some memory in your mind that makes you laugh & go with it. Laugh! My only problem with that is that majority of my memories because of how my brain is wired are bad ones. So, I have to search for those little things hidden in there that are to laugh at. They are there. I just have to work to see them. When deeply depressed that is hard. Be nice to always have someone around you reminding you of something funny in life. I think a joke a day, a GOOD joke a day, would be good for everyone.

Getting out of bed in the mornings, eh noon, is hard for me. Something Elis says might help. She says:

"...(When I was severely depressed, I found it difficult to create any
positive thoughts, especially in the morning. Eventually I wrote a positive
thought on a sheet of paper, and looked at it before getting up. It helped.)"~Elis

I believe I will start doing this. Kind of like the advice to post messages on the bathroom mirror. Positive reinforcements. If I lived by myself, I might be more apt to posts little notes on my bathroom mirror, but I don't & I don't want to seem silly. So, posting a note or writing a note & putting it beside the bed to read when I wake up might help me a lot. Good idea Elis!

Going back to talking about ruminating & negative thinking. Some people don't realize the avalanche that occurs for us that suffer from depression. Elis gives an example of just walking by & hearing an insult a little boy gives or such & it reminding someone of all these things that happened as a child. Maybe a brother did something or said something. Why didn't someone stop that person. It just goes on & I don't think the 'norm' realize the avalanche that occurs in such situations. They are also called triggers. Triggers for me are better than they used to be. I used to have SO SO many & it seemed everything everyone said or did or things I would see would trigger an avalanche of my past, my childhood, my insecurities, just everything would crumble by one little thing. Next thing I knew, I'm ready to commit suicide. Now when something triggers me, with medication & therapy, I normally get thoughts of not wanting to live but the suicidal thoughts of actually going through with harming myself don't come anymore. That's a big huge step forward for me. The only thing really that concerns me at this point is if something major happens in my life, how will I handle it. Can I handle it? I can live with thoughts of not wanting to live. Depressing, yes, but still I'm alive. I can't deal with making plan on committing suicide & possibly going through with it. That's what I'm scared of & I know at one point or another I will be tested on this.

So, that concludes my blog entry for now. I want to give a big thanks to Elis wherever you are. I do hope you are still well & living life to the fullest. If not, I hope you find your way back to the group where you can be an inspiration to us as you have been in the past. Thank you Elis. You have made some very good points for me to work on.


~Can Happiness Ever Be?~

Can happiness every be? Can I ever TRULY be happy? Is it a choice? Is it a frame of mind? Is it my medication keeping me from it? Is it my environment? Is it a mixture of it all? I have learned lately to appear fairly happy on the outside, but on the inside, I'm still dying. My mind is in turmoil. Since I last wrote, my daughter has only been in contact a handful of times & that has been through text. I've gotten word that the boyfriend she has now chosen to be with is rumored to be abusive to women. Noel went & visited her daughter Jaylynn here a few weeks ago & had a huge bruise on her. My Mother-in-Law asked her where she got it & she wouldn't answer. So, that makes me wonder. She hasn't been to see her daughter in several weeks. She doesn't text or call about her & the very very bad thing about it is that she's been going to the house across the street & hanging out & one day Jaylynn was outside playing & Noel's boyfriend was driving her car by & Noel had her seat laid back so Jaylynn wouldn't see her. Jaylynn has seen her & cried. How horrible is that? What is wrong with my daughter? I don't know if she's still on drugs, if she's just in an abusive relationship now & he's keeping her from her family, or if it's both. My Mother-in-Law said the last time she came by to see Jaylynn that she had put on weight so that she didn't think Noel is doing drugs, but I was told by someone that some drugs will make you gain weight instead of lose it. What am I suppose to do? All I can do is worry. She won't text or call me. I'm not even sure if her phone has minutes on it. She has no job & her boyfriend quit his job. He's been doing work on a house nearby my Mother-in-Law's. Only reason I know anything is through her. When Noel was in rehab & when she was in the mental institution she called me everyday several times a day. Now...NOTHING! What have I done? I've been having cravings to drink. I know I'm extra anxious when I'm wanting to drink.

On another note, Mason is doing good. He has 3 A's & a B  in school right now. If only he can keep that up until the end of the semester. He's doing well in football. Still hoping for a football scholarship. He's saying if he doesn't get one he's not sure he's even going to college, but my husband says he'll make sure he goes one way or another. We can't afford it so I don't know what his plan is. Student loans & then we pay on them after he graduates maybe. I don't know!!!

I've sold some jewelry, BUT I've done some of the BNR & BNS's. I've not made anything because I have bought in order to be featured & then I've sold on some of them but not on others & I've not sold anything but one thing that was of any real money value. It's getting my feedback built up, though, & getting my shop noticed because I've gotten a lot of followers out of it. I haven't made anything new. Can't with Brayden here. He's getting around walking around while holding things. He can't walk on his own, but he pulls up & walks around while holding things & grabs everything. He's going to his other Nana's in a few weeks, though, & he'll be gone for 2 weeks. I'm going to try to work on beading then & getting some more posts in my etsy shop.

Jason, my husband, took this Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday off from work. He has vacation days built up that he still needs to take & where he's in management, it's nearly impossible to get them in the months of November & December because of others taking those days. We have no money, though, so won't be doing anything other than hanging around the house. He'll probably play some Call of Duty. That's what he does to relax. It would just stress me out. He's tried getting me to learn & I can't even control what I'm doing with that thing. I just get shot. lol

I have several books to read. I just haven't been in the mood.

That's about all that's going on with me. Hope all are doing well mentally & physically.

Peace & Love,

~My World is Crumbling~

My world is crumbling & I'm not sure even where to begin. For one, I've been struggling with my daughter since she was 12 when it comes to alcohol, drugs, & self harm. She's been in & out of therapy & now has been admitted to her 3rd time of being in an institution. Once of the 3 was rehab. She was in rehab about 2 weeks ago & they kept her 9 days. At this point in her life, she is doing meth & I don't know what else. Meth is very highly addictive & destructive. Why the rehab only kept her 9 days I do not know not unless she didn't admit to what exactly she's addicted to. I would think the blood work they did on her would've shown though. I blame myself a little because maybe if I'd talked to them more maybe I could've talked them into keeping her longer. She basically fooled them into thinking she was okay. She agreed to seeing a followup doctor, taking her meds, & going to therapy. She did none of those things after being released. I sent her money through Moneygram to get her medication. Her husband made sure she got it. She took it one day. That's it. It's like she thinks one pill is going to make things all better. She didn't go to her followups at all. She left her husband's saying that she couldn't handle her daughter who is 3. She had the shakes & sweats. I think she was still withdrawing from the meth. Why would they not keep her longer? Now, she was found in the hospital ER wondering the halls going into patients' rooms & then asleep on a gurney. I'm guessing she was high. Not sure how she got there. I believe maybe whoever she was with knew she'd overdone it & was afraid she might die & took her & dumped her off. That's only my assumption. She has been admitted to where she cannot check herself out. They have represented me to speak for her because at this point she is non-responsive. The first day she spoke little. She did tell them she suppose to have went to therapy & that she didn't want to see one. 2nd day she refused to talk to anyone. The mental hospital is sending out some sort of packet for me to fill out. Not sure what it's for or what it'll ask. I do know that the lady asked me on the phone how long she's been doing drugs. I told her off & on for years. On top of all this, & maybe it's not something I should be worrying about right now, but I'm afraid she's running us in the hole money wise. It cost us $250 for her being in the rehab. Not too bad of a co-pay, but now she's back in a facility & that's another $250. She's been to the ER a total of 3 times & the co-pay on it is $150 each time. She's just lucky that the law allows my husband to carry her until she's 26 now. She's 21 right now. If not, she'd be highly in debt. If all this helps her & makes her better, it's well worth the money. I'd pay a million dollars if I knew it'd help her & if I had it to pay. However, so far, she's shown no signs of helping herself. The rehab she was in I'm pretty certain she was forced into not voluntarily placed there. She says she checked herself in, but she had been pulled over by police who took her to the police station & questioned her & then somehow she got released. I think they gave her an option of going to jail or rehab because after being in rehab a few days she had to go in front of a judge to determine how long she had to stay. The judge said she had to stay until the facility felt she was ready to leave. Well, that wasn't very long!

On top of all this, I'm still struggling with the death of my brother-in-law. He's been my brother for nearly 20 years & feels just like that "my" brother! Not an in-law at all. He died in the hospital from a lot of complications. Started out with mainly pneumonia & a collapsed lung. Then, they found he had a type of staph infection in his blood. Just a lot of things going on with him & he didn't make it. I was in the room with him when he died. Hard seeing someone's last moments like that. I can't help but picture him. However, after they removed all his tubing & wires & all the machines & allowed the family to return back into the room he looked so peaceful. He was actually smiling. Not much of a smile but smiling & had such a good color to his face & just so peaceful in appearance. Thank the God & Goddess that it didn't seem he suffered in the least. He died July 9th. It's been 10 days. I spent several days unable to stay out of bed. I just wanted to sleep the pain away. Luckily my husband had returned back to work that day & didn't see him die. He didn't want to be in there when it happened & he wasn't so it was as he wished. However, it was like Joel was waiting on me to get there. I wasn't even there 10 minutes & he passed.

This is what is going on with me. I haven't focused ANY at ALL on my jewelry making & haven't even been trying to sale. I have items listed but no sales & right now that's fine with me because I don't want to take the time to mail things out.

Just everyone send me healing thoughts & my family healing thoughts. We are in much need.

With Love,

Disclosure: I am using basically all of words from a friend. I will not disclose her name, but I do hope she doesn't mind me sharing the information. I find this very informative & interesting. I am not agreeing or disagreeing to this post. Simply sharing because I feel it deserves some thought. I enjoy learning about all religions. Hopefully, you will read this with an open mind for it is not to offend.

I believe that believing in magic is believing in yourself. Some religions see "magic" as a sin. How can believing in yourself be a sin? Some say magic comes from Satan and that it says so in the Bible.

The name Satan (Satan in Hebrew, means “The Challenger”) comes from Judaism. He is mentioned exactly once in the entire “Old Testament”, in the book of Job. He presents himself as one of the “sons of God” (aka angels) and engages in a conversation with God. God actually starts it by asking Satan what Satan thinks of God’s servant, Job. In a nutshell, Satan says, “he’s a cool guy and all, but frankly, if you gave any human the kind of favoritism you show him, they’d all worship you like he does”. So God says, “Oh, really? Ya think? FINE. Go after him and take everything away from him but his life. We’ll SEE what happens THEN”. So, this all-loving, merciful God is the one that forces Satan to kill off Job’s family, take all his lands away, strikes him with sickness, turns his friends all against him, etc… and then, after the guy is really about to lose his mind or kill himself, God restores his health, gives him a new family, and gives him new lands in reward.

There is absolutely no other mention of him whatsoever in the Old Testament. Now, uninformed Christians will say that he’s mentioned in Isaiah (14:12-17), but that’s actually untrue. 1. The name in the Greek and Latin translations is a mistranslation. It’s “Lucifer”, but comes from the original word, “Hallel” which is completely in reference to a King named Hallel, who oppressed the Jewish people and they rejoiced in his downfall. No demonic possessions were EVER mentioned in the Old Testament.. not one, not ever. 400+ years passes between the testaments. The Greeks invade and take over the area now known as Israel today. While the Jews had no concept of “heaven versus hell” prior to this, the Greeks did.. and very strong beliefs at that. They began mistranslating Hebrew texts during this time. There is, to this day, a Day of Mourning by the Jewish people over the Greeks taking their holy writs and “translating” them.

So, now we move to the “New Testament” where there’s a demon under every rock, and legions inhabiting people. Satan’s all over the place there, but now he’s a bad guy. OK, let’s go ahead and play. Magic is not mentioned ONE SINGLE TIME in the New Testament. Not once. Unless, of course, you count the times Jesus turned water into wine, healed the sick, raised the dead, etc… now if THAT’s magic, then Jesus is the one from which it comes. Satan never once performs a trick like that. Oh, and one more thing.. the Jews don’t see Satan (their invention, not the Christians) as evil. He’s in God’s employ. Satan is the one who tests their faith to see if they’re ready to grow into the next level of spirituality. He’s no fallen angel. He’s just given some dirty jobs to do, and it’s all under God’s direction.

Now, I would also like to point to the insinuation that you made about me going to hell. The old me would have been offended at this, but I understand that some people just have to have a reward at the end to keep on the straight and narrow in this life. I am not one of those people. So let's look at the issue of hell in the Bible. Again, no concept of this exists for the Jewish people. Jesus would have been a Jew. Hell has its origins in the Greek Hades and in the Norse Hel. Both are a bit less violent than what Christianity has turned them into. The Catholic Church is the one who took the Greek and Norse beliefs around these places where one goes who hasn’t led an honorable life (think of a place where it’s sort of gray, dreary, not much going on.. boring), and then turned it into the fiery brimstone place of eternal torture. This came with the “convert-or-die” mandates that the Church extended all over the world for centuries. From there, they needed to make money to fund the Crusades, so they created “limbo”, a place where you go to work off your less onerous sins, and could get your way paid out by a living loved one. As a living loved one, I was supposed to pay the Catholic Church to get my loved one out of purgatory/limbo, and “poof!” they are gone. Then, came the Protestant revolution, and they got rid of purgatory, and just kept the hell, fire and brimstone.. aka fire insurance sales. Scare/Fear tactics are a motivator in selling an idea.. ask any marketing/sales team about fear-based selling. Yet, Jesus wouldn’t have had this concept in his day. Of course, that would assume Jesus existed, and there is no historical evidence for that fact.

What do you think? Please be respectful & not resort to violence in responses. That's not very Christian like in doing so.


~HELP! Can't Get No Satisfaction~

Here I am! Complaining again! I know this! I just can't be happy with myself. I have a published book, my own online jewelry store, my own creative writing Yahoo group, blessed with 2 wonderful beautiful Grandkids, 2 great kids, a wonderful absolutely fabulous husband, online friends, couple of offline friends, I have my dog, my cat, & my fish, my plant! I should be ecstatic! Now, what's wrong with this picture???

My complaints:

  1. My book isn't selling.
  2. My jewelry isn't selling.
  3. No one is posting in my creative writing group.
  4. I don't have energy for my family, pets, or friends. Can't even get up enough to post on my depression/anxiety group that I'm in. Surprised I'm writing on here! Surprised I've even put anything in my jewelry store to sale!

A plan! That's what I need! I need to dig out of this hole & come up with a plan to organize my life & energize it! I have started drinking herbal teas! That, so far, seems to be helping some. Not sure how it'll work out in the long run. I'm drinking Damiana tea for depression, Green tea for energy first thing in the morning, Chamomile tea at bedtime for relaxation, Nettle & Oatstraw teas for hair & hair shine. I've been taking Kava Kava pills, but may quit those because I think the Oatstraw or maybe it's the Nettle is for depression, too, & I think with all the herbs for depression plus the Kava Kava, maybe it's too much. Plus, I read that Kava Kava can cause liver failure if it's not extracted right & I have no clue as to how these pills have been extracted. Says on the bottle 100% root extract. I think it's safe, but still, maybe I should either quit after this bottle or cut back on one or two of the teas. I have been doing this for almost a week now. I have felt more energized, but haven't been using what energy I have really like I need to. I did make it to the laundry mat today & washed up the winter comforters. That was an accomplishment.

I guess this is all I'm writing for now. Brayden is fussing, Miranda is trying to talk to me & I'm not paying attention, & Jason is on his way home from work. Got to get supper.

Jewelry by Angel Etsy Shop

~Mother of a Drug Addicted Child~

As some of you know, my daughter has developed a dependency on drugs. I am under the impression that she will pretty much take what she can get her hands on. I've known her to huff, take pills, drink, & now shoot up whatever drug she is doing. She is staying with us in our home at the moment. We found needles on her & marks up her arms & two big knots around her wrist area, which I was told that happens when a vein is missed. She wears long sleeves nearly all the time. She hides some places with bandaids. She had a bandaid on the other day in the crease of her arm & it was soaked with blood & I asked her what that was & she actually told me that she had a bump there & mashed it & it wouldn't quit bleeding. The knots on her wrist she claimed were spider bites. I said, "In TWO different places!?!" She said, "Yes, I guess so." She resorts to lying. She hasn't resorted to robbing us blind for money, but we have had change disappear & an air compressor. I'm sure she had something to do with both. I'm not for certain how she is getting drugs. I'm afraid of what she is doing for them 'cause she doesn't have a job right now. She's lost the last 3 jobs for drug related reasons. She has a friend that she has told me about that has been giving sexual favors for drug money & I'm afraid she's doing the same.

I checked her bag again last week while she was sleeping & she still has needles in her bag. The drug is probably around there somewhere, too, but I didn't dig around & I honestly don't know that I would know what I'm looking for. I've not ever been a drug addict. I am a child of a addict Mother & Father. That scared me away from it & I've kept my child away from a lot of family due to trying to keep them clean & yet I have a child that is struggling with this. I've tried to get her into therapy. I tried to get her to go to rehab. She refuses. She actually admitted once to shooting up drugs, but now acts like she doesn't do it anymore like we're stupid. She actually told my Mom that she didn't see a problem with it as long as she can support her own habit, yet she can't. She has no income. She borrows money from friends & I think they are starting to cut her off. She has a guy come & go in her life like crazy & I believe she uses them. She doesn't seem upset when they quit coming around. No tears.

She's not my daughter anymore by any means. She's in there somewhere I know, but I'm not sure how to find her again. She's starting to neglect her own daughter. Her daughter has been with her Dad in Virginia where he lives for about a month now. He refuses to let her take her until she gets help. She doesn't even talk about that. Then, this past Saturday she left & went to Virginia to stay with a friend named Amy. I had it in my mind that she'd go visit with her daughter. It's now been 6 days & she has yet to go see her.

Her Dad told her 2 weeks ago she had one month to get out of our house because we found those needles the first time. I don't think she's taking him seriously. She's down to about 2 more weeks & hasn't tried finding some other place to stay. She's already worn her welcome at my Mom's & sisters because she didn't want to follow their rules or pay them rent. She stays here & doesn't even help around the house most of the time even though she's not working right now. She has a job she suppose to be starting soon, but it's a 40 minute drive one way. She hasn't been looking for anything closer & this job only pays $8 an hour. Take the expense of gas off that & it's not much & plus it's like a debt collector job. It's answering phones all day working with foreclosures. To me, it would be worth looking into maybe a waitress job or something in our own town. She's a very smiley, pretty, outgoing girl & would make good tips I'm sure...if she can stay straight long enough. She's about to lose her car & then she won't even have a way to work unless I take her. She's wrecked nearly every part of her car in various accidents & the place she owes for it doesn't know. She's talked about letting it go back & I'm certain they are going to make her pay if/when she does. Her tags have ran out. She hasn't had them renewed. She's going to be in trouble if she gets pulled over 'cause on top of that she has no insurance now, either, from lack of work.

She just doesn't seem to care. I talk to her about things & she gets upset 'cause I even mention anything or she just doesn't say anything at all. She thinks I just worry too much. I'm afraid she's going to end up in the hospital, jail, or even dead & there's nothing I can do to save her. It's real hard feeling so helpless. My Dad lectured her the other night on the phone about it all. He's a recovering addict so he knows what he's talking about. She got off the phone & didn't say a word about what he said & she didn't say anything back to him, either. She just sat there. He says she won't quit until she hits rock bottom way down low or ends up dead.

I just thought I'd let people know what's been going on with me. I haven't been posting in the Depression/Anxiety group lately. I feel like this is an issue that's not really meant for that group. I've joined another group that is for parents like me, but so far it's not been helpful. Nadia has given me some other options that I need to check out. Thank you Nadia for being so sweet.

~Words From a Dear Friend~

A dear dear friend wrote me an email that really touched me. I won't share who for I didn't get permission from her to post her words, but I have quoted exactly what she said in her email & I just have to say that it is so true. I really see things in a new light by reading what she's written. It brought tears to my eyes, but in a good way. I just wanted to blog what she has said to me so that I can go back & read it later. Plus, maybe there's others out there that it'll touch as well. I know I'm not the only person out there full of brainy thoughts & feel unable to put them to use.

"...there is a woman roaring inside of you with passion and ambition and that wants things.

I can feel it.

I mean psychically your energy is very strong and full of life and fiery.

I think you just don’t always feel that in your day to day life.

I think you have more ideas than you know what to do with.

And yet you pass on them so frequently

Why not try writing down your ideas for a week?

You could fill an entire notebook – I have no doubt.

You keep so much in that amazing mind of yours.

I think the issue isn’t that you don’t know what you want to do.... it is that you don’t know which one you want to start with.

I say just pick one and work with it.

Seriously.... your passion speaks for itself.

There are so many things you love.... there is so much you CAN do.

And if there is anything I can help you with please let me know and I’d be happy to.

I know you have depression & anxiety... I know that too.... I do feel that.

But I also feel the burning, desiring, full of life spirit that you have."- by a dear friend
My book, "Stormy Angel Falls" by Angel Early is now available I'm happy to say on Amazon.com!!! So, for those of you who would rather order there instead of lulu.com, it is now for sale.


Went for my allergy testing today. After 20 pricks per arm & some sort of prongs pressed into my back, I find out that I'm allergic to my cat, BUT not my dog. Well then! I had already assumed I would be allergic to both. I'm allergic to every tree that's in my area where I live. That includes: Ash, Cedar, Elm, Hickory, Maple, Oak, Pine, Poplar, Sycamore, & Walnut. Yah me! No wonder I'm having such trouble. I'm allergic to 6 of the 7 molds they tested for. 4 out of 8 of the weeds they tested. 3 out of 5 grasses. 4 out of 6 types of dust. So, I'm a pretty allergic person. I was asked to start taking allergy shots & I was like YES. Not that I'm excited about getting them, but that maybe I'll find relief. It's embarassing when I go out to eat with my husband & my nose starts to pour at the table. I have to run to the bathroom. It's just gross what I have to go through & I would love some relief. So, if shots is what I got to do so be it. I have to go once a week starting out & then I'm not sure after that. I'll have to ask her when I go in for my 1st session. She said it'll take about 20 minutes to go over everything the 1st time I go. I have NO clue what I'm going to do about Jaylynn on the weeks I have her. I don't know if it'll be a real bad problem to take her with me or not. I would think after this first visit I would be kind of in & out fairly quick 'cause I'd just be getting a shot. Right? Oh me, oh my! My nose is itching me to death right now as I'm writing. I think I could take a toothbrush or something & just dig the insides of it out. That's how bad it's itching.

Well, just wanted to update on what's going on with me & my allergies. Oh & nothing on the deviated septum surgery or repair, yet. Have to wait & see how this goes first. I'd really like to have that corrected so I can actually breathe! I get tired of feeling like I'm suffocating.

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